It's weird how songs can come out of nothing, you overhearing them in a store, in the street, somewhere... and totally fit you? There are two songs I feel like they are discribing my way of feeling right now. They are french though.
'Seule à Montréal' from Marie Mai
'Dites-moi' from Andrée Waters


Who am I anyway?
Me, a girl that is afraid of affection. Shying away from the friendly touch, pushing away those who seem to like me... or maybe it's not even true? Maybe they only show affection to be able to use me? Maybe it's the right way to react when you feel used, not getting what you need in return?
No, I'm not afraid of everybodies affection. Usually I'm fine with girls showing me affection, my brother, my father and the rest of my family... it's all right with them. But for some reason I don't even know myself I'm no good at trusting boys. Older man, they are all right, it's fine with them... it's just those around my own age.
Maybe it comes from being bullied by boys when I was 9. Being chased around the school yard. But back then I didn't want anything of them, I didn't ask for anything... I just wanted to be left alone, to play with the few friends I had. Female friends, friendships that didn't survive the time, friendships that died before I turned 12.
So why do I feel this need of pushing boys away? Not letting them come close to me on an emotional level? I don't know, really, I don't know.
So, who am I anyway?
Me, a girl that has been searching for her entire life? Me, a girl that doesn't feel ready to find out what she was actually trying to find? Me, a girl that never really felt at home anywhere (or almost... there was a place I felt at home, but I had to leave, for my own choice)? Me, a girl that doesn't know what she actually likes? Me, a girl that invents her own world to live in? Me, a girl that feels useless for the world she lives in, the world she is supposed to call her home?

So, who am I? Could you show me the way to find out?

Anyway, I'll find it, someday when I'm supposed to. Until then, it'll be OK.